A group made to mentor two classes whose geographical distance from one another plays only a small role in how close they are.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Vanessa

Like Chris I think I may have been a tad overzealous here...

Hello Vanessa,

I have recently been immersed in a couple aspects of writing lately and would just like to share a bit of the knowledge with your response here.

At one point you say, "I think that the word that fits in the most in chapters eleven and twelve is the FRIENDSHIP. I think that this word is best for these two chapters because of the note that Johnny left to Ponyboy.", do you notice anything that could be changed to make that more interesting to the reader?

The repitition of "I think" could be avoided. Repitition is good in some situations for stylistic punch but should be used sparingly lest your piece sound like writing by numbers (a reference to that coloring by numbers we probably did when we were far younger). Instead you could use a couple of different starts to those sentences to make them more interesting: "In my opinion ...", "My comprehension is that... ", "I'm convinced" and if your like my fellow mentor Chris, "From thorough analysis my cognitive pathways have found... " (he writes pretty scientifically), but still it is interesting if you can understand what is said because it is different.

Another tidbit I'd like to take up with you is something called verb-tense agreement. The two sentences, "It showed that they were really good friends. This really shows that they love each other as friends.", sound conflicted. This is because of the way the word show is used. In one it is referring to the past the other is referring to the present about the same topic at the same time. Kind of hard to be done and doing at the same time... get my drift?

Au revoir,
GreyM
Student Mentor

P.S.
Can you reply here as well as at:
http://advicethroughetherealwalls.blogspot.com/
Having a *really* rough time seeing comments on these blogs.
Thank You!

4 comments:

Lani said...

Hi there Graeme!

You truly are to be commended for your commitment to this project and for the quality of the mentoring you are providing to these grade 8 students!!

I wonder do you think there is a difference in this comment to Vanessa from your comments to Brianna, Katie, and Brandon?

Another favorite quote of mine:
"Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind."
Samuel Taylor Coleridge

What do you think?

Best,
Lani

Clarence said...

Graeme;

Just wanted to let you know that your comments are coming through. These students are all moderating their comments and some of them may not be checking them that often but they are showing up once the kids find them. Keep the excellent thoughts coming!

Grey-M said...

Hello Lani and Clarence,

To first Lani,
Just the sheer length of the comment that I gave Vanessa is intimidating to any student I think especially when the questions contained within are rather hard. That's not saying that the questions to the others were easy, but this may have been a bit overkill.

That is a good quote, this may not have been a gentle sprinkling for the mind, a bit more in common with a avalanche I think...

To Clarence,
Thank you for the reassurance. I'll be sure to keep the quality coming.

Lani said...

Hi Grey M,

A response to your reply is here.

Take good care-- you are doing such good work!

Lani